No matter what I do, I can't do anything right. I always end up messing something up in one way or another and it irritates me because I don't like failing. I have the perfect girlfriend: she's so kind, sincere, loving, beautiful, smart, intelligent, funny, genuine, desiring, understandable, caring, just a damn good person and I can't be the person she deserves. Instead I'm a person who always makes her life miserable, stressful, and I just add unnecessary stress. I told myself that when I wanted to become her boyfriend, I wanted to be the type of person who will always make her happy because I feel like she deserves someone who treats her the way she should be treated. Instead, I can't do that. I fail. I don't mean to start fights, but I can't help it. If I prevent myself from doing one thing, something else slips and we fight. I hate fighting because it makes us both feel bad and I hate ending a conversation with both parties feeling bad. I don't want this relationship to end, but I can't seem to get my actions under control. I feel like if I don't get on my shit right, and keep it tight and on lock down, I will end up losing her and it will all be my fault. I don't even know how our fights start, and it seems be over something that can easily be talked out, but we both get frustrated and nothing good ever comes from that. I'm supposed to be the man, I have to take control of my actions and the situation. If I can't even communicate correctly with my significant other, how the hell am I supposed to succeed in anything in my life?? I just fail...
Keep posted,
--nweezy
Monday, April 11, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Been a while
It's been a while, but I think I'll blog tonight. Usually, my blogs are a way for me to vent when I have no one to talk to because I think the best person to talk to is myself...no matter how arrogant and cocky that sounds it's true. I have nothing to complain about because my life is going almost perfect. I have a person who I can count on no matter what because she's just amazing. Jennifer, I am really lucky to have you because you're always so dedicated to this relationship even though I feel like I'm not. I know that I can always count on you and you make me so happy :] It's a shame that you're so far away from me, but it makes every moment we share even more special.
The only thing that's missing from my life are my old friends. I miss all of them..maybe because I haven't seen them in two and a half months. THAT'S INSANE, and totally unplanned. I planned on going home every 3 weeks, but this quarter has been too intense and busy. I miss BJK and everybody else including Chris, Jared, Grace, Sharon, and Mimi! =/ I'll see them soon this spring break though. FOR SUREEEE!
College is cool and all, but it isn't home. I sit here sometimes, when I take a break from work, and all I can think about are the old times I had in high school. They were the best times of my life because that was when all I had to worry about was high school shit. High School shit is nothing like college shit, holy shit. I had the best laughs of life in high school with the people I care about the most. I feel like I will go home a different person and everybody will acknowledge that and feel even more distant from me. That's my biggest fear in the world: to be rejected by the close people in my life. If I can't depend on them anymore, I have nothing else to go home to. My family and temple aren't enough for me to make the trip back home, even though i miss the all. My friends make up a big part of my life; I act how they act. We're all so similar it's amazing. For them to reject me means that they know I am different, in a bad way. But hopefully it won't end up that way. I try my best to keep in touch with people but, I realized that if we are close enough, I won't have to worry about that. Like with me and Jennifer's situation, even though I don't see my friends everyday, that means we all cherish our conversations and our moments even more. That eases my mind a bit, but not all the way. I still try to prove to my friends that I am always here for them whenever they need me, but I guess they've all grown up and become more independent :'[ my skills aren't needed anymore LOL jk. I got no skills. But yeah, minus this homesickness thing, my life ain't that bad. Got booked to Morongo this past lunar new year, and we made $$, just not me specifically HAHAH gambling sucks...but yeah. Maybe I'll keep updating this blog. Maybe.
Keep posted,
--nweezyf
The only thing that's missing from my life are my old friends. I miss all of them..maybe because I haven't seen them in two and a half months. THAT'S INSANE, and totally unplanned. I planned on going home every 3 weeks, but this quarter has been too intense and busy. I miss BJK and everybody else including Chris, Jared, Grace, Sharon, and Mimi! =/ I'll see them soon this spring break though. FOR SUREEEE!
College is cool and all, but it isn't home. I sit here sometimes, when I take a break from work, and all I can think about are the old times I had in high school. They were the best times of my life because that was when all I had to worry about was high school shit. High School shit is nothing like college shit, holy shit. I had the best laughs of life in high school with the people I care about the most. I feel like I will go home a different person and everybody will acknowledge that and feel even more distant from me. That's my biggest fear in the world: to be rejected by the close people in my life. If I can't depend on them anymore, I have nothing else to go home to. My family and temple aren't enough for me to make the trip back home, even though i miss the all. My friends make up a big part of my life; I act how they act. We're all so similar it's amazing. For them to reject me means that they know I am different, in a bad way. But hopefully it won't end up that way. I try my best to keep in touch with people but, I realized that if we are close enough, I won't have to worry about that. Like with me and Jennifer's situation, even though I don't see my friends everyday, that means we all cherish our conversations and our moments even more. That eases my mind a bit, but not all the way. I still try to prove to my friends that I am always here for them whenever they need me, but I guess they've all grown up and become more independent :'[ my skills aren't needed anymore LOL jk. I got no skills. But yeah, minus this homesickness thing, my life ain't that bad. Got booked to Morongo this past lunar new year, and we made $$, just not me specifically HAHAH gambling sucks...but yeah. Maybe I'll keep updating this blog. Maybe.
Keep posted,
--nweezyf
Monday, May 24, 2010
Blog night
Tonight felt like a blog kind of night, so I might as well blog. I'm feeling it tonight so yeeeeeeah buddy. Uhh, shall we talk about feelings? I guess we might as well. As of right now, I'm feeling better than I was these past couple of weeks. I still don't like my relationships with this person, but you know, what can I do if I can't talk to that person. I'll just wait for that day that we can talk and I'll try to make everything better. I don't know why, precisely, but I feel obligated to try and make this work. I'd like it for this to work out, cuz as a person, I love that other person. Close friends are hard to come by and that person is most definitely a close friend. I'd do anything for anyone, but especially that close friend. Plus, I didn't like being ignored/avoided. That just hurt...
On another note, I am finding this other person pretty attractive. LOL she's actually pretty cute and all I can hope is that our paths will cross more and more. This way, things will be natural and not forced and not burnt at all. This is like the upside to all of my despair and sadness. No one notices, but I mean, I don't let people notice these things. It's not like me to let other people worry about me, I don't like it when other people worry about me. I can take care of myself AND other people. But it'd be nice to have a person to just look at me and know wholeheartedly, without a doubt, that something's wrong and fix it right then and there and take care of me without me knowing, or realizing it. That's what I would LOVE to happen. Some people are good at realizing something's wrong, and other people are good at cheering me up and taking care of me. It's amazing, but I need that one person package. Not need, want cuz I'm satisfied with what I have right now.
As for prom, it stung a bit, in the beginning but I'm back on my feet with a plan. I am focused and determined to make this thing work out. I need a good moment and maybe prom will be the source of that good moment. It's all or nothing at this point, and I'm playing to win. I'm a corny mother fucker, but I like it... :] I hope everything works out...I really do.
Keep posted
--Nweezyfbaby
On another note, I am finding this other person pretty attractive. LOL she's actually pretty cute and all I can hope is that our paths will cross more and more. This way, things will be natural and not forced and not burnt at all. This is like the upside to all of my despair and sadness. No one notices, but I mean, I don't let people notice these things. It's not like me to let other people worry about me, I don't like it when other people worry about me. I can take care of myself AND other people. But it'd be nice to have a person to just look at me and know wholeheartedly, without a doubt, that something's wrong and fix it right then and there and take care of me without me knowing, or realizing it. That's what I would LOVE to happen. Some people are good at realizing something's wrong, and other people are good at cheering me up and taking care of me. It's amazing, but I need that one person package. Not need, want cuz I'm satisfied with what I have right now.
As for prom, it stung a bit, in the beginning but I'm back on my feet with a plan. I am focused and determined to make this thing work out. I need a good moment and maybe prom will be the source of that good moment. It's all or nothing at this point, and I'm playing to win. I'm a corny mother fucker, but I like it... :] I hope everything works out...I really do.
Keep posted
--Nweezyfbaby
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Time of the Year Again
Everybody functions on cycles. One time of the year, they may be really happy and the other time they might be really depressed. I can say I've hit that low mark of the year. So many things are coming up in the next few weeks, even months, that I don't want to deal with. Let's start with the most superficial one, because that's what everyone wants to know about, right? Hahahaha I'm worried that I'm not going to have a date for prom. Everyone that I wanted to ask already has someone else in mind...so I don't know what to do. I want to go to prom and I'd want to go with a date, or else there would be no point in going. Also, I think I'm going to give up on the good life because the good life has someone else in mind already. I didn't want to admit it before, but it was made apparent to this week. I've lost my time and there's no way for me to get it back. Next on my list of depression is the problem I don't want to deal with. I need to deal with this person, but I don't want to. Call me a coward for running away from my problems, but the good life is making me deal with this. This is the only way to make amends with everything. I think I'm just going to be serious and firm with this problem. No extraneous talking, just answering all of the questions I am asked. That's all, I don't want to make up. I won't tell her what's on my mind though, cuz then all hell will be let loose. I can destroy people with the thoughts in my head...LOL my thoughts are so arrogant. I hope I don't come off as arrogant hahahaha...that'd be bad. Speaking of first impressions, I hope I'll enjoy college next year. I want to enjoy it the best I can, but I don't see how I will. I'm leaving everybody I know and going to a school that's really...to themselves. Speaking of college, I'm worried that I won't get enough money to get into the college I want to go to. Money makes the world go around and frankly, I don't have enough to get an education.
I guess I feel better letting it all out. I'm still kinda :[ though lol.
Keep posted.
-nweezyf
I guess I feel better letting it all out. I'm still kinda :[ though lol.
Keep posted.
-nweezyf
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Manners and common sense
I seriously thought everyone was born with common sense because manners are taught. I know you have manners; all parents teach their kids some manners. I know you have common sense, cuz you're so similar to me and I'm pretty fucking logical (sorry to seem arrogant, it's just that I base all my actions on weighing decisions and probabilities and other stuff like that and to me, that is logic). So if I let you talk and listen to you without interrupting you and just being there for you, I would think you would do the same for me. I thought that our relationship is a two-way street, but I guess it's only when we agree. When we don't agree, you turn into something else and start arguing and close that two-way street into a dead end. In the end, I forget what I wanted to say, but all that anger and bitterness is still there. Normally, I'd look over this, but this has gone long enough. I'm a patient person, I look over many things. I'm forgiving and people don't realize that what I do, I do on purpose. By nature I am a paranoid person and I cover up all of my tracks, so I'm never doing anything without knowing its consequences. But when you start arguing my rants...that's going too far. How do you expect me to tell you anything when every time I try to, I get a full on debate with it? Like water, I'll take the path of least resistance LOL school nerd :P If every time I get a debate, I might as well shut up and suck it up and not say anything.
I guess this can go under "Things that annoy Kevin". For sure, this is one of them. I like blogging, it gives me a chance to talk to myself. Ahhhh, I thought I could never get mad at you...but you proved me wrong. FUCK ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate being angry. It's just a nasty negative feeling. I'll update later.
Keep posted
-nweezy
I guess this can go under "Things that annoy Kevin". For sure, this is one of them. I like blogging, it gives me a chance to talk to myself. Ahhhh, I thought I could never get mad at you...but you proved me wrong. FUCK ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate being angry. It's just a nasty negative feeling. I'll update later.
Keep posted
-nweezy
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Selfless vs Selfish
So Tet is coming up and I'm pretty excited. Except for the fact that our dragon dancing group is a bit smaller this year, it's okay. We can take this as a learning opportunity and create a chance for us to adapt. Although this year we are smaller, we got booked to big places. We are dancing at the Morongo! How exciting! This year is going to be a big year for us, I can tell. I feel it, but I also feel bad because I have been skipping out on practice. What kind of role model can I be to the newbies if I keep ditching practice. I have a feeling that they don't like me very much. I'm not there often and I will yell at them if they mess up. Maybe I need to be nicer and try to encourage instead of telling them what they did wrong in a mean way. But they already have that kind of figure on the team, so maybe I should be the discipline. Well whatever it is, I know that this gig is going to be a lot of $$$.
Which brings me to my topic of the day. Chinese New Years, or Tet, is my only source of income for the whole year, besides the food money I get from my parents when I go out. My Tet money is the money I get to spend on my own. But 90% of all my Tet money goes to gifts and presents to my friends for their birthdays and Christmas. I barely get any for myself, but it's okay. All the things I want are totally superficial and is not worth my time. My friends' happiness is all that matters to me. I have a grip of close friends so I have to fulfill my duty and give them what they want. Whatever I want, I can find on sale because I am Vietnamese. Vietnamese people always find the best deals in the world and I am of no exception to that wonderful stereotype. Every time I go shopping with people, we always find the best deals on the most random pieces of fun.
But I would be lying if I said I didn't want more things. I feel bad if I don't give my friends gifts for their special day though. This is quite a dilemma for me: whose happiness do I put forth? Mine or my friends. I know the answer to that already. My friends. I don't think people understand how much love I have for other people. They think they know, but they really have no clue. If we were in a dangerous situation, I make sure I would take care of EVERYONE and if that means killing myself for their food, I'd do it. Maybe that's a bit too far LOL but that's the only way I can explain it. HAHAHA that's creepy.....
What's even more creepy is that I laugh to myself when I blog...
'Til next time
-nweezyf
Which brings me to my topic of the day. Chinese New Years, or Tet, is my only source of income for the whole year, besides the food money I get from my parents when I go out. My Tet money is the money I get to spend on my own. But 90% of all my Tet money goes to gifts and presents to my friends for their birthdays and Christmas. I barely get any for myself, but it's okay. All the things I want are totally superficial and is not worth my time. My friends' happiness is all that matters to me. I have a grip of close friends so I have to fulfill my duty and give them what they want. Whatever I want, I can find on sale because I am Vietnamese. Vietnamese people always find the best deals in the world and I am of no exception to that wonderful stereotype. Every time I go shopping with people, we always find the best deals on the most random pieces of fun.
But I would be lying if I said I didn't want more things. I feel bad if I don't give my friends gifts for their special day though. This is quite a dilemma for me: whose happiness do I put forth? Mine or my friends. I know the answer to that already. My friends. I don't think people understand how much love I have for other people. They think they know, but they really have no clue. If we were in a dangerous situation, I make sure I would take care of EVERYONE and if that means killing myself for their food, I'd do it. Maybe that's a bit too far LOL but that's the only way I can explain it. HAHAHA that's creepy.....
What's even more creepy is that I laugh to myself when I blog...
'Til next time
-nweezyf
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Appreciation
If there's one thing I have to do, it's a shout out to all my friends that helped me and make me feel good no matter what.
Brandon: You're like my brother man. We've been through so much together from roaming the streets of Chinatown to just bummin' it around Torrance. There's nothing you wouldn't do for me and me for you. You're my battle buddy, my best buddy, a true buddy.
Mimi: Not enough words can describe how god you make me feel. You're always so positive around me and that influences me to be more positive. You try to help whenever you can and I appreciate that a lot. No one can replace you, not ever. bfffth,b <3
Jane: I feel you reject my love a lot, but I truly do love you Jane Park. I admire you and how you tackle your problems in life, whether it be school or your own personal life. You influence me and how I choose my actions. You're always entertaining to talk to because you have so much to say for such a little person. Like I said, you're organized, you're diligent, and you have your priorities all in order. You're one of the people I aspire to be like, Jane.
The Group: I can count on y'all to help me brighten my day. Each and every one of you are unique and special and bring something to the group that only makes us bond closer together. I'm grateful that I got to spend 4 years in high school with you guys. Without you guys, I wouldn't be the person I am today, whatever that means :P I love y'all.
These are just a few of the great friends I have. I'm afraid I can't write for you all because I don't have enough time, but I want you guys to know that I love you guys too and you aren't forgotten.
Happy New Years everyone!
keep checking
--nweezy
Brandon: You're like my brother man. We've been through so much together from roaming the streets of Chinatown to just bummin' it around Torrance. There's nothing you wouldn't do for me and me for you. You're my battle buddy, my best buddy, a true buddy.
Mimi: Not enough words can describe how god you make me feel. You're always so positive around me and that influences me to be more positive. You try to help whenever you can and I appreciate that a lot. No one can replace you, not ever. bfffth,b <3
Jane: I feel you reject my love a lot, but I truly do love you Jane Park. I admire you and how you tackle your problems in life, whether it be school or your own personal life. You influence me and how I choose my actions. You're always entertaining to talk to because you have so much to say for such a little person. Like I said, you're organized, you're diligent, and you have your priorities all in order. You're one of the people I aspire to be like, Jane.
The Group: I can count on y'all to help me brighten my day. Each and every one of you are unique and special and bring something to the group that only makes us bond closer together. I'm grateful that I got to spend 4 years in high school with you guys. Without you guys, I wouldn't be the person I am today, whatever that means :P I love y'all.
These are just a few of the great friends I have. I'm afraid I can't write for you all because I don't have enough time, but I want you guys to know that I love you guys too and you aren't forgotten.
Happy New Years everyone!
keep checking
--nweezy
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