Nuclear bomb on Nweezy

like the title says, a bomb dropped on me
dunno how bad the damage is, but from the looks of it, it's not so bad
i mean, i can still function and do my day-to-day needs
but fuck, there's still that part of me where it feels like i failed--miserably
like i tried my hardest, but my hardest wasn't good enough
also, i don't want to hold anyone back. if i am, i'm gonna have to change for that person, no matter how much i don't want to. it's crazy, but that's who i am. my friends first and me after. people can call me unselfish and a good person and all that nice shit, but i know who the fuck i am
i'm fucking kevin nguyen and those are just my morals and values. they're what i believe in and you don't have to congratulate me just because i have good morals. honestly, i'm kind of sick of being the nice guy, because they never get shit. and when i tried to do shit, i went too far and too fast and i end up getting nothing either. what i wish for now is to have everything go back to the way it was before the bomb. i wish i had never said anything because i knew it wouldn't have worked out in the end. but like everyone, i was a fool and i experimented. but i can't say that i didn't enjoy it. truth be told, i loved it. i loved every second of it. i loved every feeling of it, but i can do without the pain haha. i loved the thrill, the chase, the hunt, and the attack. it made me feel more alive than i ever had before, in my 17 years of living. so in all actuality, i'm pretty glad i took this chance. but it still pains me to think that i'm holding the one person i care about the most back. and in order for that person to advance as a human being, i have to change my feelings. i'm good with that, because in return i get my friend back. no mater how bad i want it, i don't think it's ever going to come. but now here comes the important question: what happens when i've finally moved on and i'm the one that gets chased. what'll i do then? will i go back to the way i was, or would i brush it off and look forward? i believe that everything happens for a reason, but a special part in my heart is reserved and will always be reserved for that person. i don't even know why i fell so hard, shit. i thought i knew, but thinking back it's really ridankulous. as of now, i'm fine but i'm constantly thinking about that night. i'm willing to do anything for that person, even if it means to shun that person from my life forever. but luckily i don't have to because we homies for life. no joke. i don't know why, but without going into relationships, i might be feeling love for this person. haha it's kinda far-fetched but no joke, it feels like that. if i think about it, i could imagine us together in 10 years, but i'll never admit it haha. all i'm curious now is that what's gonna happen


keep checking back because i'll keep you posted
even though my readers will probably be just me hahaha
it's just a good way to get shit off my chest because i can't find another person like me to talk to

-nweezyf